CRAZY KENYANS?? This list of Kenyans (or people in Kenya at the time) felt that the adrenaline surging through their veins should not go to waste.
#7 Okiya Omtata
What’s in a name?
We all know that any name does not affect the growth and development of a child, but there should be a caveat against naming your child anything that sounds like Matata. Its simply trouble, which is why post-colonialists are fond of saying Hakuna Matata, so if a man has that name, preceded by an O, then you know theres more than just 110 kgs of pure insanity. This guy, being the mad man in the NGO fraternity, is well known for his acts of pure insanity.
Remember the time he chained himself to Vigilance House in protest of something the government had done, probably a male civil servant using the ladies or something. Still, this act does not count as badassery, but it does count as complete insanity.
How do you chain yourself to the Police HQs? Thats not a rhetorical question by the way, Okiya has a manualFirst, you formulate a blueprint of exactly which grill on the gate you are going to chain yourself to. Then, you make a budget, go to the Supermarket and get the following items: A big ass chain, something that could be used to chain Wolfman, a bigass padlock (coz a bigass chain is only as strong as its big ass padlock), a pair of pliers (coz you need to strengthen your balls ?Like in Big Stan, where he strengthens his nipples), a lollipop for the neighbours kid, chocolate, soda, sugar, sanitary pads, water, milk, a small bible, a small hammer, extra teeth, a new pair of boxers, salt, gum, a pack of tic tacs, a razor and a pack of condoms (in readiness for the alot of some you are going to get after the ladies see you on television). Yeah, and you probably need to MPESA your wingman 20K , 10 K to bail you out later, and 10 for him to buy Booze for the trouble
Then you have to see your wifes lawyer and sign a confidentiality agreement, that you will not mention that it is not your first time to be bound in chains to achieve something. Then you simply hitch a ride to town coz you know you wont be coming back today, get to Vigilance House before they become vigilant enough…chain yourself to the gate.and then.wait for it..wait for it.wee, ile Nyangau nafanya nini hapa!!? (Bingo!)
#6 Mike Sonko aka Gideon Mbuvi?
You knew he would be on one of my lists, right? You had that epiphany that if its about insanity and stupidity, he would be here on his own accord, looking for a wall to punch and some flour to pour on his head (I hear its good for dandruffs by the way, it competes with them for dry space stuff on a head, you know? ) Okay, we have never had another openly stupid MP, all the others weve had have been content with trying to flush used condoms down Continental House sewage system.
He is a breath of fresh air, dont get me wrong on that one, I like the fact that he just does what the his head tells him (or doesn’t) to. Theres no particular issue that I can point as insane or stupid enough, since he is still alive and stupid, kindly reread this post in six months (yeah, am that confident even death and disease dont want to have such adrenaline so hell be with us for a while) He is an inspiring example, a stellar epitome of what an MP should be, to punch a wall with your bare hands requires an MPs brain.
Like many others before him, you get this eerie feeling that the insane things he does are simply gimmicks, meant for PR and to deflect attention. Given the fast rise of his political star, its clearly working.
#5 Wangari Maathai
Now, say the year is 1992 or there about and you are the most badass woman in KE (and you know this because men tend to get weird around you, and the meekest among them smile weirdly, with visible buldges in their pants), yeah, the cops are on your case, theyve been sent to hurl your ass to jail. But you no go down easily, do you?? So you lock yourself in the house when they knock on the gate. You use all the latches, then you build a wall of furniture against the door and.wait
Day One: The cops curse outside and call you names, they shit on your lawn and piss on your walls. They try to smoke you out with actual cigarettes (Seems someone at Kiganjo did not learn about figures of speech huh?…and yes, I made that part up…and the one before that, but who knows?) Yeah? No worries, you have enough food for the day and an ego to save so.you wait..
Day Two: Someone has started cutting through your grills, you know they are tough because Kamaa, the local welder said so in his verbal pro forma, you know theyll give up or the Rapture will happen before that. The food is running out because you thought the cops could not last a day, but they want you.you spot a cockroach just minding its own business near the cockroach, you stamp your foot on it and as the crunchy sound gets to your ears, you suddenly start thinking of corn flakes, crips, fries, bhajiaHunger sets it, you are on your periods and had not thought to bring enough tampons in your huge ass bags (and Okiya has no mind to time travel and bring you the pack he just bought for his clande). What is a woman to do?……wait.
Day Three.Aahhh, you have slept the sleep of the hungry, too good, so good you thought you were dying, you have smelt your neighbours githeri simmering in the pot, you have even smelt the sweet aroma of what the gods will be eating for supper tonight. You are hungry and as you walk into the kitchen to the sound of Kamaa saying Shomerea apo na ukate hapa (He has clearly switched sides, or you never scared him as much as the cops have), the mashed cockroach next to the dustbin suddenly looks like a piece of chicken, you brush the thought off and eat raw onions. The grills have almost given way, you have hurled all possible forms of insult you can think off, your Greatwall TV is fuzzier than normal, its as if VoK has been told to cut you off too. Even the men handling your female chassis like its Christmas and you are the thief on the left handside of the good Lord. What is a woman to do? One cop comments on how stinky you are, and true, you havent bathed for three days, who would with the cops all over your house?
Translucent glass or not, giving the cops a reason to wank all over your lawn, on top of the mounds they have just created, is not really on the list 3 days inside you house, three entire days.Thats what Wangari Maathai did before she became Noble by winning a NobelR.I.P.
#4 Henry Rono
You probably do not know this man unless you were into athletics in the 1970s. If you think Rudisha “akingarisha fiatu fyake” is the most badass athlete in the last century, meet the legend Henry Rono Now, there are many reasons why a man who broke enough world records to be known for breaking world records is now working two lowly jobs somewhere in the states.
Rono was the most nave athlete ever (there are probably others, but they do not have world records that stood for a decade). As you very well know, you can earn a shitload of money running in cities in the world (Not in kenya though, there are probably 1 million people who can run faster than you). Rono was that guy back in those days, he made enough money to ngarisha fyatu fyake kwa matora (last word means dollar).
There was just one little problem, our protagonist here (and you will probably see something you would have/might have done in nursery school) did not know how or where to invest. Stories abide that whenever this guy won the cash awards in races, he would do the only thing one should do, bank and invest. So wheres the problem with that? Is that not Samuel Wanjiru did to make his teeth disappear and in its place an Alejandro demeanour. Your probably know your bank account number by heart, and you can print you entire bank statement from memory, right? Well, again, meet Henry Rono
Still, how many shares do you own? You know them or at least keep very meticulous stalker like records of them, right? You know which stocks are up and which ones are down right now, you know which one your husband knows about, should know about but does not, and will never know about, right? Well, meet Henry Rono
Our main protagonist here did not keep records, to him just investing was enough, banking the money was even a higher step. Rumors abide that he forgot the bank accounts where he banked his fortune, the investment he made and the like. He thought it was enough to invest and bank, maybe he thought the bank would follow him to give him his money? That counts as insane, because he got so broke he had to start robbing banks in the US (yeay, I was broke sometime last week and I passed outside an Equity Branch, looked so tempting.you know what I mean?)
#3 Lt. Colonel John Henry Patterson
Remember when you were learning the history of colonialism and there was a small mention of the Tsavo? You never thought much of them because your crush was sitted next to you in class, remember? Well, meet the guy who killed the rightly-named Man-Eating Lions of the Tsavo. Granted, this guy should not count as a Kenyan since he was in Her (or His depending on what sex ruled back then), Service and he waswell.two halves British (or Briton, if you are into Britains Buttons)? Still, lets see what the guy did to deserve this spot.. Lets start from the beginning.
At the Berlin Conference, the British had a cruel private joke on how they would explore Africa, they sent several ships to India and told guys there they could offer them white-collar jobs (which have nothing to do with shirts by the way). They ended up working on a railway line to Uganda, considered the Pearl of Africa because women there like kneeling a lot (unlike.*hides*). Yeah, but this guys just kept dying of disease, hunger, syphilis (random guess) and wellwhat else, death? They had no time to bury them, so they just left the bodies out there in the cold
Lets switch to the other side.
You are club-hopping around on a Friday, looking for a chips funga when you find one, just sitting there, already packaged but not taken home. Will you go chase the one sitting at the bar or will you carry the ready one home? Meet the dilemma the lions went through
So they ate human flesh and as you can imagine, we are very yummy (especially with ketchup, and chapattis, and some Savannah Yokozuna)that, and we are extremely easy to hunt. The lions simply started attacking the camps and the coolies (Indians back them had cool names, before they started finding corners and putting up shop) and just friggin dragging them away before their bones were found where human flesh should have been!
I should probably add that this two infamous lions, though male and obese, were famously maneless. Which tells us what? Well, my friend who has castrated a lion or two at KWS tells me a maneless lion is like a man with no wee wee, outcast, ideally (Okay she-yes, its a she-has not told me that, but I bet she will). So you have two lazy lions on the hunt for human meat and cant work anymore, your boss is losing mullah, what is he/she to do?
Well, if your boss is Her/His Majestys Government, you get John Henry Patterson, the man. He tried, many times, to kill the elephants.sorry,, lions, one time even sleeping on top of tree in wait. When all else failed, and he had almost given up, he managed to shoot Lion 1 on hindquarters (sounds a bit gay I know, but any coital connotation has never been claimed or ascertained) with Gun1 (a Martini-Enfield in .303 caliber). Shot one wounded Lion 1, but it escaped.and came back later at night looking for him!!! He shot it again with Gun 2, a .303 Lee Enfield (I take it you watch CSI) with Shot 2, 3, 4 and 5. He found it laterdead
Now meet Lion 2..You probably think that only human brothers defend each other in drive-bys right? Lion 2 took 5 shots with Gun 2 to wound it, but it still stood up and charged at him!!wtf! Okay, so what do you do when an obese lion with more than just an injured ego is headed towards you.do you laugh because it has no mane? And tell it that it looks like Mwau without the whole badass look?
What do you do? Do you shit your pants, fall on your knees facing Mount Kenya and ask Ngai to make the Lion Mundu wa Nyumba ? Or do you aim at it and take three more shots with Gun 1 and runs as hell. Like our protagonist here? When you learn that Lion 1 was nine feet, eight inches (3M) long and took eight men to carry (when it was dead-weight*pun intended*) and the Lion 2 was most probably bigger, you conclude two things. One, human beings are extremely fattening if you dont eat them with a pinch of salt and Diet Coke, and Two, that this are the Attila the Huns/Genghis Khans of SimbaEarth (get it?)
Granted, most parts of this story are from Pattersons own account, which means parts of it are probably made up (especially the whole gun changing part, only occurs in movies, right?). From one mental artist to another, most of the things in this story, found in his book The Man-Eaters of Tsavo (1907) happened in his head. Still, the number of bullets is sort of provable so it makes one wonder, how would it take thirteen bullets to bring down two lions??Just two??? I am sure one of my Maasai friends can do it with a kitchen knife.and yes, Im stereotyping here
There are two possibilities, one is that Patterson was as corrupt as our cops, and could not aim if his life depended on it. Which would mean that a coolie aide (an aide de camp with a cooler name) called Kuu Wa Si Mbah killed the lions and our guy here took all the credit. Or, it could mean he looked really yummy and the lions felt they had to have him (if you think of the hindquarters thing up there, it will mess up with your thinking) even if it was as a last supper (they had been eating coolies for too longthe fleas were breeding and they were running out of toothpaste to wash away the aftertaste).
Suffice to stay that lions served as Pattersons carpets for 25 years after thatMakes you wonder what other lions think of Lion King and Alakay Alex (from the Madagascar franchise)SISSIES! 😉
#2 Mary Muthoni Nyanjiru
Now, if you got some last night, or you are going to get some tonight (the chips.sausage funga factor held constant), you should probably not read this entry (but then again, which of us ever listened to warning?) So, Harry Thuku was T-Pain back in the day, and the people had gathered in large numbers at the Central Police station (right where it stands today, unchanged) to demand his release (yeah, the colonialists were holding him by the balls, literallyokay, most likely, highest probability). You can read the whole story here but the long and short of it is that something weird happened
Now, for some strange reason we might never know, our ancestors believed men were better at negotiating. It made sense for a man to negotiate with the white man that the colonial government stop pressing another mans balls, right? Well no, if you think of it, women would have been better at itbecauseam sure you can answer that 😉
ȡand women jeered at and taunted the men for their apparent defeat. In this charged atmosphere, Nyanjiru resorted to a traditional method of insult, guturama..
Now, if you are not Kikuyu, you might not know exactly what Guturama (and no, it was not an ancient Kikuyu drama) is. Let me tell you what it is (and it gets graphic from here, but then again, I warned yah). Guturama is simply the act of a woman showing off her smile (no, not the one on the face above the head, the other one) to a man! Phew, that was not so hard was it? Okay, IM I the only one who sees no problem with a random woman showing me her flower? Isnt that what Amani did some time back and I almost fell off the bed that night??
Is Guturama not what every boy wishes a girl will do when he is mentally undressing her? Well, turns out our ancestors in 1922 did not think a womans smile (still, the other smile) should be seen in public! In fact, it was the worst curse a woman could throw at a man, perhaps only followed by the act of marrying him in the first place (or the curse of the fleas of a thousand camels)
It was not about morality, this was the same generation where your host offered you his wife when you went to visit (*starts assembling time machine*Heads to Julie Gichurus crib*). Yeah, it was simply an abhorrence for a woman to smile in public, men had to go for cleansing (which makes one wonder exactly what was wrong with a smile, doesnt the bro code say a smile is a smile?). How moody could men have been in 1922? Oh, and she told them to give the women their pants, this woman had balls (or a hideous smile, either would do for emphasis, figure of speech btw). She died an hour or two later from catching a breeze because of smiling too muchoh, sorry, thats my version, she was shot at by someone with a Morning coat, an ugly nose and a weird accent. And yes, all this time I have not been talking about the smile that you have on your face right now.unless
#1 Ben Nyaumbe
Yeah, back in 2009 our protagonist here had up to a devils version of an evening day, he was heading to pick a packet of flour when the Coasto Omieri, which for the sake of argument we shall call Mwakwere (any relation to persons living or dead is purely coincidentalplease dont drink and drive) fell for him. Now Mwakwere here is the badass of the snake world, because no one ever told us whether he was male or female, lets assume, again for the sake of argument, that its a she, aye? Okay, so she sees this guy shes been checking out for a while and she gets all butterflies in the stomach. She is hungry for him (youll understand this later).
Ben Nyaumbe used to live (I take it he moved after this because I would move to Pluto after this) in Malindi. Now, we all know that coast is a lazy place, so much so that the day has thirty hours, right? All we know is that men there wear lesos and sit around all day playing bao and chewing on some leaves produced in Meru (Tharaka-Nithi, the latter of which you probably remember as the consitituency with 105% turnout in the last elections, sounds to me like an erection, bigger than normal.gerrit?) Turns out there are some peopleor thingsthat wake up early
Okay, you can google him now if you want to.Ill wait……….found him?
Now, a python is a gorgeous animal, it is really long and strong, it has the frame that all snakes should aspire to have, it is the hotness of the animal world (I could have said the Beyonce of the snake world, but am sure someone somewhere would be sharp enough to think I am alluding to Jay Zs body part )..until it is..wait for it.wait for it 13 feet long!!
For those of us too interested in what was badass and what was silly, get this, Ben Nyaumbe fought a 13-foot python that had carried him to the top of a tree.for three friggin hours!!!(Thats the badass part). Badass.com even featured him in this piece for his epic battle, (and here was, thinking myself hero for mosquito wars *retreats to sissy spot*).
Even those who failed math from nursery to their current job posts will tell you that no matter how far you can walk in someones shoes, 13-feet should be enough to start insulting him (Unless he is Usain Bolts bastard kid, of course because then, you be screwed!). Although Badass.com assumes to be a manager in Kenya means to have an office, I doubt Nyaumbe had one. He was, or is still a flower farm manager, which tells you that our 13-foot Mwakwere could have wanted a few roses for her mate, nay?
And yes, a woman can be thirteen-foot long, even when she is a python with muscles bigger than the (ex) Governators Now dont get me wrong, pythons do kill people all the time, it is actually a common occurrence and we can place it after natural causes (whatever those are), oil fires and traffic accidents (did I forget extra-judicial executions, and extra-terrestrial ones?), bad governance, corruption, KPLC and Julie Gichuru (as a cause of death). So what was different with Nyaumbes case with Mwakwere here, Omieris hot obese cousin? Suffice to say that adrenaline rushes are anatomically built to either cause flight (which is where you run for all your ass is worth) or fight it out (and most likely get your ass swallowed and discover you are not Jonah-the-Bible-Guy)or the classic just-shit-your-pants reaction (which is what most of us would probably get, including yours truly). Nyaumbe here got the latter, he decided that David vs Goliath was not badass enough and started Mayweathering the freaking python.
Now, I dont know what your reaction would be, but mine would be to start preparing my defence for the pre-trial Chamber of Judgement Day. I would be making my peace with all the deities I can, in the hope that if in the afterlife I find out I am to be reborn, I will want to be reborn as.well..me
Oh, back to the story.Nyaumbe (fancy name by the way, if you ever read this) decided to catfight the python that was tying its whole freaking body over his frame! Of all other thing you would do in such a case, he decided to..wait for it.
wait for it.
How does that even happen? Where in the how-to-save-yourself-from-a-python-attack manual does it say you can bite off a part of a 13-foot python (to his defence, he could not have known at the time that it was 13 feet, he probably thought it was tailor-made just for him). It would have been a form of defence if he had not chosen to bitethe tail! Technically, this guy bit Mwakwere the python on the ass, which is hardened unlike this guys, from just sliding over all kinds of crap all day.so, our hero here actually hurt his lower lip (thank God we are all in agreement Ben Nyaumbe can only be a guys name, otherwise lower lip could have been so many other things)
When the python carried him up a tree (yeah, I just fastforwded the story) he remembered he had his phone, removed it and tweeted OMG!!OMG AGAIN !FUUUUCKING 13-FOOT PYTHION (deliberate typo) IS ALL OVER ME!!!TOOK ME UP A TREE #FRIGGINTIGHT , Somebody SAAAAAAVE ME FROOOM(end of 140 characters) Then he went to his DMd Red Cross and @AlfredMutua (Dont ask), yuh??
Then someone mentioned him, retweeted and in no time #PythonGuy was trending, right? Thats the version am telling, texting is so last decade, hehehe. No, not really, he texted his friend (It was 2009 so it was still considered classy), who came with cops and the story has a happy ending(and get in touch with texting with one hand, this guy smothered the python, Mwakwere, with one hand as he texted with the othersee, it is actually important, should be added in the curriculum, yah?)
Which makes me wonder, if I was to be up a tree being gang-raped (pronounced graped) by one monster of a python, and I texted, nay tweeted, my friend @jonksplicit A FUCKING (key word, for emphasis) PYTHON HAS ME UP A TREE.DYING , what would he do? WOuld he stop whatever he was doing, run to the cops and come look for me?? Hazard a guess..Its something like, he would tweet me back LOL (no Homo) DUDE!! GET OFF THE WEED! Cc @Owaahh. Yeah, so, here I am in the pre-trial chamber for JudgementDay.Then he would forward the tweet to the other boys in the fraternity and they would all have a good laugh until they watch the news and realize I was serious.
Then they would all head to the bar to pour one for my very-dead very-gang-raped, just-been-extracted-from-the-tail-end-of-a-python soul
Mwakwere the python was taken to wherever it is you take animals that fall in love with humansshe is still there, right? Under lock and key? Getting therapy and looking at photos of nude male snakes all day, right? Yuh, Dr. Frank Njenga has been trying to get her to forget the kink she felt when Nyaumbe smothered her head with his shirt when she tried to kiss him, right?
Well, No! She escaped! That same night, a 13-foot python somehow vanished from the sanctuary! (so much for it being a sanctuary)
Suffice to say, it either immigrated, went undergound or is not happily married. So, next time you are in Malindi and you wake up with the epiphany that someone, or a 14-foot (accounting for growth and development) something is just about to hug you, I would advise you to log in to Twitter and..wait for it.
The cop who was interviewed here assures us they are looking for the snake tokey wordARREST it! Yuh, thats a prison cell you dont want to end up in