Philosophical Musings on the Withdrawal Method

So when is it ever the right moment to make a tactical retreat? To the emancipated mind this should be a question of chance and choice, it has everything to do with ones decision-making abilities as well as the willingness to follow through.

Evolution has seen it best that once the train leaves the station, there is no stopping it until it gets to a station, any station. It cannot be derailed or bombed off its hinges. Any effort to do so would end in sheer pain and utter failure as the amount of pressure exerted can cause severe mind flashes, paralysis and, although the claim is not supported by any scientific data, a nuclear explosion. It can be diverted to a dummy station, however, and this is the basis of most male-oriented forms of contraception. The idea is to lie to oneself that the primal need of coital satisfaction and procreation can be separated into two goals. Once one accepts this as the premise of the act then a decision has to be made about the right moment.

Or 2 pages, depending on how long you can read.

Consider then? the dilemma, the level of self-awareness required to make the withdrawal method an effective mode of contraception. According to Abrahams Maslows hierarchy of needs, coitus is at the base of the pyramid, next to food and oxygen. Self-actualization, the kind of self-awareness and confidence required to choose and act at the right moment, is at the helm of the pyramid. This implies that one must jump from top to bottom of the pyramid in the blink of an eye, literally and figuratively, to actually make the method effective.

What defines this moment? I believe it varies from one species to the other, although I have observed rabbits in their 15-second binges and pounced on a few National Geographic-filmed animal pornography clips to get to the conclusion that underneath our sophistication, we are at best lions. Our only advantage used to be that we were the only species known to engage in copulation for fun and the only one capable, and insistent, on doing it face-to-face. Dolphins have already taken away the former, and the latter is in question because new species of crazy organisms are being discovered every day. The right moment therefore matters, and the decision-maker needs the support of the team player to act upon the decision of time.

It is also key to establish that testosterone, the euphoria driver in the male species, does not, for some odd reason, block ones memory of the selected mode of contraception. One must remember to do it, and then decide on the moment, and then do it, and then stand/kneel/crawl/gyrate there with a smug on his face. If he has accomplished what is required of him by natural selection, then the team player is too euphoric to comprehend what has just occurred.? If possible, she must be saved from the ghastly sight and sounds of the frozen man. The alpha-female will demand that the moment must be had, for the sport to be fair, but the alpha-male must be in it to please and then and only then, to focus on his own desires. It means that all effort must be made to please the other party during the foreplay sections of the ordeal so that they can be cooperative when one needs to, as the common saying goes, pull out.

Such a decision can fail for several reasons. One, the connection between all our primal sense, coming together in harmony in one specific place, and dragging with it the rest of the body, is impossible to master. Some will howl, some will grunt, some will look up or cry but the common denominator is a loss of sense of control. How then does one regain control at the very moment when all senses are meant, rightly so, to be lost? Two, it is also dependent on the willingness of the participant to let go, and if a safe word has indeed been established beforehand. Such boundaries should be set early in the game, before the candles blow out, so that any scream of pineapples or incoming is understood as a wail for help to withdraw.

A man in tune with his primal self must then come into consciousness at just the right moment to not preempt the moment itself by too far a point that it warrants a re-invasion, and not to hold out for too long that the moment is lost and other methods need be sought.? Three, coordination is key.? A decision can be made to make a tactical retreat but the forces of nature such as a flood or hurricane force the invading army inland. The decision of the commander must be relayed through an analogue system to various limbs, and a spine already in motion, that the battle has been won and the main force should be capped before all hell breaks loose.

At that moment, John knew all of his life’s work would amount to nothing…

The next challenge then is where to deliver and what one should do during the few seconds the moment itself is destined to last. For most people, the moment must enjoyed with the chills it sends through the body, the bang that hits the spine and the high that overcomes all senses, at least momentarily. Since the primal moment has already been lost, and coitus interruptus selected as the method of contraception, the interrupter must hold it, either in hand or on a surface, until it is done, or walk away. I have heard from some sources that there is a cadre of man mammals who walk away as the moment progresses! I do not know the truth of this claim, but I imagine it would be very hard for a normal mammal to establish the pattern of walking while such a glorious result of natural selection occurs. Perhaps the motion is spasmodic, if such an adjective exists, and makes the walker look like he has the tics.

Once the moment is chosen, and executed, and all clean-up of activities of the oil spill-a term selected for more than one reason-completed, the emancipated man can then re-engage and continue to make sure the team player has the experience of a lifetime. The re-engagement need not be a frontal or rear attack, as with a conquering army, and Alexander the Great need not lead the second conquest.? Evolution, or if religion is to be believed, a Superior being, granted the human being, and to some degree his ape cousins, a thumb separated from the rest of this fingers to make it easier to grasp and twist things. With such unique ability then, and with strong muscles in a limb of sorts that resides in the loudest orifice-unless one is having the farts, then its second loudest- the next attack can establish one a kingdom and win a war. The mediocre man might choose the way of sleep, without even considering that the rush of serotonin in the team-players innards is exhibited by an inherent need to cuddle and smooch. Such desires are core in human interaction, and should be provided except in exceptions expressly allowed, marked, and indicated in bold font on one’s man-card.

So, of what importance is the withdrawal method to the world economy? If a measure of the ability of a man to withdraw from the most basic and the most primal activity in his life could be established then most of lifes questions would be established. The man granted a short span of time must be aware from the start of the experience that at any one time in the following ten to forty seconds, a life decision will have to be made, with only the shouting of a predetermined alarm allowed. The man with more time can take his time, like an athlete in a marathon who can afford to run briskly for two hours before choosing the right moment to sprint away from the crowd.

The Holy See endorses, passively, coitus interruptus as a method of contraception. Surprisingly, the deity for whom the See of Rome is Vicar once struck a man for doing exactly that. There is no inconsistency here, and one might argue that by the sheer volume of soldiers who never make it to Canaan-again a scriptural reference-the respective deity, and evolution, meant for it to be one big game of Russian Roulette. The only difference being, of course, the presence of more chances of failure and success, and less players, at least in the conventional games. The preceding statement does not apply to those to whom the groupie appeals, as the game then, void of a permanent contraception method, becomes many games of Russian Roulette embedded into one big job.

Owaahh, 2012.

  • “….other methods need be sort…” I noticed your use of ‘sort’ in this sentence was somewhat inconsistent. I have checked most definitions of the word and none seem suitable for the context. ‘Sought’, the past participle of seek, seems to be what you intended to use.
    As a point of note, you used the same word in your article titled “Go Tell the Spartans (A reply to Ken-Saro Wiwa’s ‘Africa Kills Her Sun’)” in the same context and intention of meaning. You said “….of the system you sort to uproot..”

    • Oh wow! I tend to confuse the two, even choosing whichever is right in context is always hard. Thanks for the correction, let me edit them.

      • Steve Maina

        three years ago owaah knew no difference between sought and sort. was he in campus? why, because he was also thinking about sex.

  • Hi! I can’t figure out how to contact you, but did you draw that comic or get it from somewhere (the eggs for breakfast one)? I would LOVE to use it if possible. Please let me know.

    • Hey Hannah, this method works too :P. I didnt draw it, I got it from a Facebook page or my archives. Let me check if I can find the original source…

  • A tirade on the withdrawal method……which has very high failure rates compared to other methods, yet the Holy See demands that it be the best method of contraception. God save us.

    • The irony, given that Onan was punished by death by Almighty one himself for doing the same thing, albeit crudely.

      • Steve Maina

        interestingly, i find this method very easy. i can do it at will. never any difficulty.