How to Fund the Next Elections

Actually, this is a manual for all elections, past and future…

Engaging in a lively discussion with a sibling of mine the other day, I realized that we both complained about the rising cost of everything through 80% of the conversation. Seeing that she has a family and mine is still, safely I must add, lodged in my loins waiting for either lower prices or more wealth, she had more to add about how the price of sugar is constantly screwing with the (second) sweetest thing of all.

We all know what’s happening. We all know that elections in Kenya are funded through corruption, uncouth and vile economic manipulation and simple thievery. We know that someone is somewhere in the backrooms of the Mumias Sugar Company, behind the fake wall that has a small latch that is easy to miss, next to the volumetric flask full of random boiling stuff, doing the maniacal laugh as the coins and notes fall into his lair. We know this to be true…

MUhahahahahaha*Hahahahabananahahahahaha (Did You see the -banana-??)

We also know that there is flour and there is fuel, condoms went up 100% despite the market conditions. A pack of tissues now costs so much that being called an a**h**** is no longer an insult, it is somewhat of a complement to a white elephant, because that is what the ordinary Kenyan has become to himself and herself. We have become white elephants because the simple act of excreting now costs more money than the meal we probably digested. Think of the water to flush, the Harpic, the energy required, the…Let me just stop there; I am sure you get the idea.

It’s the same story everywhere. And we know who is screwing with us, we know whom, although we might not know whom exactly, but we know whom. We know every economic crisis in the free market is a carefully orchestrated way of keeping the poor, ignorant and unwilling at work, to motivate us to work more and build our country some more. We watched the shilling fall, much to the chagrin of some four banks CEO’s laughing in their money labs as their minions scuttled around, careful not to step on anything that would interfere with their bosses gloating…

Clearly, same guy, different eyes…

But elections must be funded…

Elections must be rigged and made a bit or a lot, irregular so that international observers have work to do.

Bribes must be paid to the actual owners of the economy.

Expensive fuel guzzling cars must be bought for stature and practicality.

Yes, an election is an election by any other name.

So, what is my proposal for funding the elections all over the world in the coming year? Simple actually…digress with me…

In his essay, a modest proposal, Jonathan Swift makes a simple and perhaps the most economically viable solution to the problems of the Ireland at the time, and perhaps until now. If you have never read it and do not like reading such long things (which is poor given that the moment you stop reading this blog post and start doing something else, it will cost you money, try it and see…look around, see the walls that need paint you can’t buy, the children that need a Christmas you can’t afford and fees you don’t have? Yeah, so…as I was saying…), the short of it is that Swift proposes that the children of the poor are the real problem. They require much for so dim a future, they need food and care that keeps their parents too busy to be productive, they are likely to be poor all their lives thus the best way is to sell the children of the poor to the wealthy for food and skin.

Yea, you read the right! This was back in the 17th Century, and no, eating the flesh of children between the ages of twelve and thirteen was not part of the cuisine, it was a necessity. I doubt anyone followed Swift’s advice, but I think it is most relevant to us today. Economically speaking, a small population is what we need right now. The factors of production are precariously imbalanced and lesser demand would push most prices down and rive down, politically speaking, the need to mobilize vast amounts of money.

I posed this question to some acquaintances of mine who have had an experience or several with the bodies of those who have made the right choice. I should probable add that these acquaintances of mine meet with such experiences almost every day of their life, not because they are sexually deprived, but because handling such cold matter is their gainful engagement. I asked them to tell me whether, driven to the edge of poverty and desperation, they would partake of their trade. Without hesitation, they all agreed that if need be, the human flesh would end up in their lunch and they would not even care to pray about their souls after that.

As I staggered away scared, with my heart in my mouth (I was not chewing), I thought about it and isn’t that what we are doing right now? Are we not eating the poor and drinking from their drying blood? Who are the poor? Politicians, poor people, posh places, po-things…

I am of the opinion that for every seat we need to vote for, we need to mark several kids to be sold into the slave markets of Saudi Arabia, the ranks of the AL Shabaab, to fight in the remnants of the Arab Spring, to be modern slaves in the Gulf States, to be drug mules in South America. Yes! If I had a bath tub and could afford to fill it with water without worrying that my water bill will rise above 200 bob and I will have to actually think it significant, I would jump out of it and run around screaming EUREKA, scaring my ‘mukurinu’ neighbor into morning devotion.

I am suggesting that we do not need to wait. Drug lords will pay premium for young children who have little to look forward to; they would provide them with food, money, water and mostly, drugs for experiments and as drug mules. Given that the drug trade saved the world economy by constantly injecting billions of dollars into an economy that did not show equal exit of products, then you see the vital position that these children will occupy. Being a modern slave in Saudi Arabia or the Gulf States is much better than toiling away in the farm you used to own. It allows you to be part of oil economies, to be part, eventually, of those privileged enough to pay low prices for fuel with money that has been obtained by people who paid exorbitant prices.

Yes, replace even Da Vinci’s work with someone more….urmmm…media savvy character…

It’s the story of humanity, the fact that we are all at peace because there are so many people we pay to do the violence for us. All am saying is, we should not strive to reduce the economy by birth control. Forget condoms, forget contraceptives and safe days (and safe houses, but that is a story for another day). Like the Pope says, or rather implies, women should stick to mathematics to control the number of children they get, they should, however, give Chemistry, Biology and Physics the bad eye (and probably, English, saying ‘no’ is an officially accepted act of birth control).

Children are a blessing from God or from whichever deity you choose to bequeath such honors. They are tender in flesh, young and inexperienced; they can fund the future if you follow this modest proposal to find them meaningful lifelong employment.

The choice you have is to let them live it out, constantly get screwed by greed and pervasion, get knocked hard by the high prices, live for fear of eating sugar because they know that each spoon of sugar they steal is anything between 20-40 bob, and that if you know, you are likely to kill them anyway.

…and lucky are those who know nothing else, for they need to know nothing else.

Owaahh