Cannibal Cuisine: How to Better Serve Your Fellow Man

The Zombie Apocalypse is nigh.

*Fade In*

Enter Subukia farm worker Amos Gichue Kimeria  (his last name, translated means ‘one who swallows’…human flesh, it would seem) carrying a machete with blood stains. Our protagonist belches, he had such a fine meal last night he has actually woken up with enough strenght to walk to the police station and confess his crime, he ate a man.

The funny thing with this case is that the victim, one Samuel Epolisi Lokodet and all other villagers had been warned against using the path where the former was killed and dragged to make a meal. Redefining the concept of a ‘hunt’, Kimeria waylaid his would-be victim and then attacked him before dragging him all the way to his house and making a meal out of him. Two things led villagers to his house, the obvious trail of human blood and the smell of freshly cooked human flesh (you can smell it too, can’t you?).

Pictured: A warning you should never ignore.

The butcher precision described in most news articles is disturbing, the body was sliced open, cut in various pieces to ‘…provide boneless flesh.” …”The left leg had the upper leg flesh cut out, apparently to provide Thursday evening’s roast meat.” “…the bowels were stashed in a soot-covered sufuria that had been used to boil them.”

In almost every continent over the last two months, there have been cases of cannibalism, or zombie-ism. The jury is out on whether this is just a case of easier communication which means that such stories now have a global audience or a story of actual zombie-like evolution. In their literal meaning they mean nearly the same thing but a good cannibal is one who takes time to wash the body and chunks of meat, and even more time to make a cuisine out of his fellow man. A zombie, on the other hand, eats raw human flesh and loves it, at least in pop culture. The latter has happened twice in the US over the course of two weeks, with Alex Kinyua being a literal ‘heartbreaker’ (relax ladies, he likes men with doctorates, preferably West African) and the Miami Zombie, the man who was shot after police found him squatting, eating another man’s face. In any other situation, that last part of the preceding sentence would have sounded very gay (go on, take your eyes back and tell me what is not gay about one man eating another).

In the case of the Miami Zombie, the main suspect was bath salts, a concoction of drugs that can give you such a high that you believe you have super human strength (and apparently, a craving for your fellow man). Rudy Eugene was gnawing on the face of a homeless guy. More proof that he had gone zombie is the fact that he was naked and responded to police warnings with a growl, like your pet dog does when he is chewing on chunks of meat (the pet dog part will come in handy later). The police had no choice but to shoot his face-eating ass before he chewed the homeless guy out of a face too. Although everyone suspected bath salts, it turns out all he had was a little marijuana which goes to prove that in the case of the face-eater, other forces were at play (religious people can say it was the devil but for the sake of this post, think Zombies). The strange thing is, the Miami Zombie had no human flesh in his stomach so he might not be a cannibal but a zombie after all?

The Zombie bug also bit (Did.you.see.what.I.Just.Did.There?) in China where a drunken bus driver attacked a woman and started ‘gnawing on her face’. ‘Du’ ( a befitting name for one who is eaten, methinks, because you can pronounce it as ‘dough’) was actually pulled from her car by ‘Dong’ (Huh?) who had all of 1.75 ml of hard liquor flowing in his system (Asians and alcohol, not a good mix). Dong (I can’t get enough of this name) did enough damage to warrant reconstructive surgery for ‘Du’. After reading this, you are allowed to say, with legal backing, that “‘Dong’ ate ‘Du’ or ‘Du’ was eaten by ‘Dong’” Oh, and there is footage and photos of the unlucky ‘Du’ being gnawed upon (check the link above).

Made in China…wait, is that Zombie Barbie? Dong got her too? Asking for a friend….

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Even more intriguing is the case of Mao Sugiyama, a Japanese who had his genitals surgically removed and then cooked them for five diners who each paid $250 to, it would seem, eat a testicle cuisine. I don’t know what is so intriguing about a man cooking his own loins and then serving them to paying diners but I know the accompaniments were quite something (button mushrooms and parsley…yum yum?). Alex Kinyua, naturalized US citizen, had gone further than just his victim/meal’s heart. He had also eaten the brain, something zombies do

Ivan L., in Russia, is a chef who, unlike Sugiyama, chose to cook his victim’s/meals by rolling them into sausages and meatballs (you thought donkey and dog meat was the worst huh? Welcome new Moscow-meatball cuisine, tastes as good as the next guy).

“The small of the back is the best place to start with…” Zombie Martha Stewart Cuisine Recipe instructions, 2020.

There is the case of the gay porn star who ate his boyfriend and sent his limbs to political party headquarters to make a point.Or the professor from Sweden who ate his wife’s lips went a step further, using the cuisine of raw human flesh (a contradiction, if you ask me) to settle scores with his ‘cheating’ wife. It would appear that he sort to punish the orifice through which the cheating was done, a key element of the Mosaic Law (am stretching it, no?).

Stephen Griffith’s ate three women in a none-sexual kind of way. Interesting is the fact that he killed one in the medieval style, using a crossbow. He cooked two, and ate one raw, and what you don’t hear is whether he will ever get to write a thesis about a human flesh cuisine (we need to find a single name for this new cuisine?) since he was a PhD. Cannibalism is not new and in some cases, such as this one where Armin Meiwes found a willing meal in Bernd-Jurgen Brandes (sounds like one complex meal, that one). The victim, if you read the story, was alive for long enough to eat his own junk, well-cooked by his executioner/diner, before he blacked out and was made into a main course.

Then SCREEEEEEAM at the top of your lungs, if you still have any left.

Are you grossed out already? I still have not told you the story of the Texas man who recently ate his family pet dog. Michael Daniel was high on synthetic marijuana when he beat his 40-pound family pooch and started eating the black dog. He “began to bite into the dog, ripping pieces of his flesh away.” Whether or not the K-2 in his system caused his to be psychotic enough to kill and eat a dog raw is for a jury to decide but, unlike where other humans eat their fellow men, the worst he can be accused of is ‘animal cruelty’ (look at you, with a disgusted look on your face yet you had beef last night. Acceptable? Yuh, so is pork and dog meat).

Cannibalism is covered several times in the Old Testament, in passages such as the famous

“…”Give your son, that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.’ So we boiled my son, and ate him. And I said to her on the next day, “Give your son, that we may eat him’; but she has hidden her son.” (2 Kings 6:24-30).

It is found much earlier in Deuteronomy 28:53-57, Leviticus 26:27-30, Micah 3 and others. If you think about it, even the very foundation of Sacrament, John 6:55 where J.C says “He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him,” makes allusions to cannibalism, albeit sanctioned and, as many Christians will argue, obviously not literal.

In Islam, the argument about whether or not eating human flesh is permissible is just as controversial. The scripture below, for example, seems to provide options for eating much of anything but does not give explicit permission for human flesh.

“He has only forbidden you dead meat, and blood, and the flesh of swine, and any (food) over which the name of other than Allah has been invoked. But if one is forced by necessity, without willful disobedience, nor transgressing due limits,- then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful” (Surah The Bee 16:115).

There is no consensus among Muslim scholars on the exact implications of the passage above. One school of though holds that it is never permissible to eat a human being while another argues that it is okay to eat human flesh as long as it be that of an enemy fighter or adulterer.

In other religions, the debate continues, among atheists the main culprit is our own human nature as survivalists. Evolution has turned us into natural cannibals, ‘reduced the size of our jaws‘, domesticated by the fact that we have other ready sources of food.

Oh, you thought we were at the top of the food chain? I can see how you would make such a…wait, BRAAAAINS!

Since we think ourselves normal, we recoil at the thought of a human being eating human flesh, whether his, of that of a consenting victim or that of an unlucky ‘Du’. We “…refrain from exploring the possibility of our own ability to cannibalize others..” because the thought is disturbing. We recoil at the thought of eating ‘man’s best friend’ raw and yet, driven to hunger and with an impending zombie apocalypse (if you believe in a zombified future), human beings will eat each other to survive, even where there are no bath salts or hard liquor to help. The fact of the matter is, the Zombie Apocalypse might not be nigh but it is lurking and you might have to start your fellow man as a good source of protein.

Chaos, disorder, Pandemonium, panic, controversy, self-doubt, craving a human brain, family pet? My work here is done.

[All Photos sourced from ‘Zombies are Delicious’]

Owaahh©

 

  • Candy

    This blog just made eating human flesh sound enticing 🙂 Good read

  • Hahahaha! Whatever you are smoking………… I don’t want!!

    • Hehehe, I am not mean with it. I will share, then maybe you can share your bath salts and k–2? Then we can find a stray dog (or human)….hehehe….