All posts by owaahh

A man, a pen, a keyboard I mean, bananas, and mugs of coffee. This is a labour of love.

Guy’s Washrooms: The Dossier.

Ladies,u might want to wear goggles for this one!

Lets take a hypothetical situation;

So am in a club(the 1 place every1 is bound to use the washrooms?),the inevitable call of liquid nature beckons,so i walk 2 the gents,calmly,the unmistakeable urinal glares @ me when i stroll in.Two other guys are already there,so i take my place between them.

Zip unzip,and my eyes on the wall as i start the journey to relief.This is the part i never get to understand,why do we,after the first few seconds when our eyes are on the wall,then decide to lower our eyes??It always happens,i gaze down at my ‘future’,and then look right,then left,the other guys almost simultaneously do the same,then our eyes meet as if to say ‘sorry’ to the ‘handicapped’ and, ‘wtf!’ to the’ multi-talentd’! It is the defining moment…

The two guys who preceded me are done,and they zip up,use the sink,and leave.Am alone now,feels kinda lonely being the only king in such a large kingdom,but just before i can start sinking into urinary loneliness,the drunks start staggering in.This are the most interesting lot you’ll ever meet in the washrooms!First,they struggle with their zips,then fumble with the ‘king’ and when at last they do find it,they struggle to find aim!the irony of the matter is,its the traditional urinal,u don’t need aim,so long as its out,your good to go,pun obviously intended,!!Aim becomes relative,unless of course,there’s something on the ‘trench’ you are trying to move,as your first achievement of the day.

Impala Club Washrooms

The detriment of having drunks as ‘mates’ in the washroom is that they might just decide to do the one thing you should never do in the gents,talk.Lets be frank guys,talk is distracting,relieving oneself is one activity that has been proven to require maximum attention,you can’t even donate blood when doing it,try it,its impossible.But drunks forget good manners that come with the ‘package’,annoyingly.

Impossible to forget is that time when you have been holding it in for so long that you feel like exploding,and then u happen upon a loo,heaven!You close your eyes and start emitting sounds that would make a blind man doubt whether he stepped into a loo or the private wing.Then you dont care who or what is next to you, Osam (RIP)a would join you for a piss,and you wouldn’t even realize it until the CIA take you in for questioning.

Finally(and this part is for the ladies and kanjo)why does it seem like bad manners whenever you see a guy doing his thing at a somewhat unnatural spot?isn’t it at the discretion of the answerer of the call of nature?? Unless he is doing ion the wall of a toilet, do not adopt the moral high ground, remember that time you were hiking and then…. and guys, two shakes will do, anything more than that, you are playing with it!

And the question i have never gotten an answer to,are there urinals in the ladies washrooms?and if there aren’t,why aren’ we addressing the gender imbalance??

That, and do porcupines have tits?

(First published on Facebook as a note on Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 5:44pm)


His body lay on the border crossing like someone felt he had to die in two countries. His chest had been ripped apart, you could tell that the vultures had long found his body but something had stopped them before they could finish devour their find. The maggots, a few hours old, poking out of the festering wounds the hyenas had left as they tried to reach his bones. It was almost as if the jungle had conspired to finish off his remains, and midway in the feast, something had stopped them.

When she went back to where it had all happened, she found someone, or a few people at least, had already been there. The body was still in the same position she had left it after he provoked him, just as she had hoped he would, and she had driven the blade through his chest. She knew where to aim, right in the middle of her chest, where she knew he would bleed slowly and painfully. As the warm blood spurt and formed a trail on the blade to her hand, and he fell down onto the moist ground, she felt a satisfaction she had felt a few times before. This was her hunt, this  was the moment she had craved so badly. Yet she knew the cycle would begin all over again, she would feel empty the next morning, like there was something missing from his being, a part that had been ripped off.

The blood had long dried, and the wind had brought with it coats of dust that would deceive one who did not know what had happened there. The border beacon was fifteen feet away, unassuming and stout, like a miniature lighthouse in the middle of nowhere. The locals said that the devil was hunting again, she who always ate what she hunted. The police had looked for her for hundred years, the legend said, but no one who set eyes upon her ever breathed again. The old man said she was the ghost of the ancestors, but in this modern world, she could have been anyone. The body of a man had been found on the border crossing the night before, his arms bent and placed under his head, fingers interlocked, almost as if he had been executed. A visitor would say it was a random killing, the knife lay next to the body, almost as if whoever had killed him wanted to be found, but the locals knew she loomed in the shadows, never killing the same way twice.

No one knew why the legend said the devil was female but they all agreed that she was fear itself. She was said to lack a heart, an empty sould residing in her chest instead.

When they found the body of the Border Patrol officer the next day, they knew she was hunting again, and she would not stop till she had what she was looking for, what she had always been looking for. The police imposed a curfew on the border, no one was allowed into the woods after dark, and yet she did not need to go there, she lived there, she had lived there for many year. Killing people kept her alive, she told herself, but she needed to stop, she wanted someone to find her and stop her.

10 Non-Sexual reasons to carry Condoms

1.Remember the TRUST advert of yesteryears whea a guy uses his rubber to ‘dress’ a ladies umbrella?as the whole town watches??

2.A condom’s waterproof-ness is somethng that s very under-utilised.Figure,that day when you don’t have a shower cap and it rains??would(ideally)work wonderfully.

3.Ever noticed how of late young men have what seem like OBESE wallets?Do not be cheated by the budge ladies,a few condoms in a wallet always does the trick(sorry guys,had 2 tell em that,they’ld have found out anyway)
4.Imagine u woke up in a dream where you are facing Mike Tyson n he wanted bare knuckles?Because condoms are meant ‘to be there whle nt bng thea’f u put them over your fists,you have an unfair(and slippery)advantage,even MT would just slip off,ryt??

5.How many epics have you watched where the hero gets saved by a coin in his breast pocket??or a modern movie where the cop survives a bullet because his badge deflected the bullet??Many,i presume,a piece of rubber could save your life too,hypothetically.Imagine you unsuspectingly sit on a nail,if your wallet has 3 pieces,your bottom would be saved,mayb potential tetanus,n death,linear logic??

6.It reduces the loss if you’re mugged and if you are muggd by the ‘interactive type’,you could spread the gospel of the latex. +it makes a fake wallet more believable.

7.Drunkards sometimes say that they drink to keep the workers in the brewery at work,need i apply the same for the latex??I trust you are sharp enough..

8.(….and this is for the ladies)you know those times when ua bag falls open n u bend,embarrased,to collect your ‘assets’?and then the ever present very hot guy bends to help?imagn the embarrasment when he picks ua stash of sanitary towels??u cn beat that with th wink when he gets 2 collecting your latex(OMG!did i just write a script for a whole scene of a soap opera?ryt before the annoying commercial?)

9.1word;cops!y’all knw th story,when you get arrested and they empty your pockets,and document the contents?can i bet you 100 to 1 that rubber will NEVER appear in the inventory.Where it goes,only the god of cops knows!

10.When i was in Form1,latex had a minor use that always ended up with us(the freshers)having a bad stomåch and quèerly oily lips.You wanna know what??scroll down….

Keep scrolling, the answer is a bit embarrasing...

A bit more down

BALLOONS!!*sad face*Runs to throw up*Curses!*

The Perfect Crime

Al Capone was the perfect criminal, and am beginning to think that our very own John Harun Mwau is. This are the kingpins of crime who everyone recognizes but no one can pin down with evidence. Al Capone was only convicted for evasion of tax despite the fact that he had committed possibly every crime there was to commit, except suicide. He dealt in cash, never got his hands muddied and bribed everyone.Does the perfect crime exist? The problem with most criminals is despite careful planning, most of them never plan to be caught. Many have tried to commit the so-called perfect crime, and nearly succeeded.

With the Samuel Wanjiru case, however, a new dynamic plays into the Kenyan crime scene. First, the notion that any death is an open-and-shut case has always been misguided. The KGB, famous for their ingenuity in conspiracy and murder where the CIA lacked in execution, still hold the records for some of the most seemingly normal deaths. The Mossad is too messy, but they have revolutionized the game in the sense that it is not swag to commit crime for country and hide now. [In 1978, Bulgarian dissident and playwright Georgi Markov was leaving the BBC London office where he worked and heading home. Waiting at a crowded bus stop, Markov felt a sudden sharp pain in his thigh and turned to see a large man bending down to pick up a black umbrella. The man apologized in a thick foreign accent and hopped into a taxi. Markov found a growing red pimple where he had felt the sting, and came down with a fever that night. Four days later, he was dead, the victim of one of the most diabolical assassinations in modern history — the Umbrella Incident.]

Any investigator will tell you that the hardest criminal to catch is the one who leaves evidence deliberately. To the forensic scientist, there is nothing harder to decipher than the mind of the person after the crime. If the body has been bludgeoned many time, then it is easy to reckon that the murderer was either angry or scared. The problem comes if all you find is strategically placed evidence. The MOSSAD are the geniuses at this, remember the 2010 murder of Mahmoud al-Mabhouh in Dubai? An 11 man team worked out a crime so elaborate it is intriguing. Modern day forensic science means that it is hard to not get caught, people like me spend an entire class being lectured on the thinking of a criminal and the possible mistakes to look out for. Most people who have tried to commit the perfect crime have tried too hard to wash away the evidence. It is the same disease the Spartans suffered from, and the same thing that makes a tiger that is scouting prey the easiest to shoot down. Focusing on a target, that is to not get caught, makes you the ideal criminal.

It requires no BAU or NCIS to develop a profile, even a Mrs. Wigwe [no offence, but her story stinks!] can make one. The concept is simple and straightforward, a crime scene with no evidence is not a perfect crime, sometimes the absence of something makes that very thing the more louder.

The point is, there is no perfect crime. Perhaps the only the one that you don’t commit, but then again, what would we do with all this cops if crime did not exist?